The Five Things I Won't Admit
by Camus' Snowman
Summary: Tokiya relapses into bad habits, and Ranmaru is tasked with taking care of him for the day- at Reiji's request.


There are many things Ranmaru Kurosaki would never admit too. It was a list compiled of both trivial and essential matters alike, something new appearing on the unspoken list each day. Like today, as he sat at the window strumming the tightened strings of his bass— he laid in wait. What he was waiting for is one of the many things he would never admit to, and in his boredom, he was not about to either. Instead, he let his slow day continue as it was. His eyes grew heavier as the deep sounds he caused resounded in his ears, the sounds growing further apart as his fingers stilled until it was just silence. The evening sun that shone through the pane of the window warmed Ranmaru's skin— nature's invisible blanket. He supposed it was nap time.

And in a flash, the peaceful stillness that had settled itself into his dorm room was broken. His phone rang.

Ranmaru growled as he went fishing his cell from out of his pocket, struggling only for a second as he shifted his bass out of the way. An unreleased tune he had composed for himself blasted through its speaker, causing the phone to buzz in the palm of his hand. A brief glance at the beginning letter flashing across the screen was enough to tell who it was: Reiji could the idiot want now? He accepted the call to find out.

There was no greeting on Ranmaru's part, just a dull noise that indicated he was listening to whatever it was Reiji had to say. Reiji took the invitation and got right to the point.

"RanRan~ I may have a teeny-tiny favor to ask of you—," He trailed off in a sheepish giggle. Before he could even continue, Ranmaru deadpanned.

"No."

All Ranmaru wanted to do on his day off was take a nap, but he heard Reiji's loud protests as he went to put his phone down. "Wait, wait, wait, wait for a second! Just a second! It's really, really, really important; please, RanRan!"

Ranmaru sighed. Just how much do I want to tolerate this idiot to listen to what he has to say for even a second more? That is the second thing Ranmaru Kurosaki would never admit to for that day. He brought up the phone to his ear once more and sat up, setting his bass carefully to rest before continuing. "Ya, ya, ya— what's up?" He grumbled. A sigh of relief could be heard through the receiver.

"I knew I could count on my RanRan~" Reiji laughed before adding on, "Anyways, like I said, this is something very important. Toki is feeling pretty sick, and I couldn't think of anyone better to look after him."

Ranmaru raised a brow at this new information he was receiving— Ichinose? Sick?

"Oi, thought about maybe taking him to a doctor?" He asked his bandmate, running a hand through his hair as he did. Did he want to take care of someone sick? Ichinose no less?

"Mmm! He just came back! And really, I just want to make sure there is someone there to look after him, ya' know? We may be QUARTET NIGHT, and they may be STARISH, but we are still their seniors and always will be. We gotta take care of our kiddos!" Reiji expressed, and Ranmaru always hated when he got like that. Why he hated it was the third thing he would never admit to for that day.

"Yeah, yeah; but seriously, you couldn't have gotten Ai to do it? Even Camus?"

"AiAi is busy with Masa-chan and Syo, so he isn't able to. And Camyu-chan- Do you want Toki to die?" Reiji joked, and Ranmaru sighed to himself as he slowly came to realize just how he would be unable to get himself out of this situation. "And I'm busy with Otoyan, so that leaves you! Don't worry, RanRan, you'll do great~!" Reiji cheered, his voice quickly growing distant and muffled before hearing it loud and clear a second after. "I got to go shoot with the kid now, so I'll let you go~ Bye-bye~."

Before Ranmaru could get anything in, Reiji was already gone.

—

The time that passed walking from one place to another was neither short nor long enough. Ranmaru wasn't paying attention to the time as there lacked any real rush. Ranmaru, of course, wondered what it could be that his junior has fallen sick with— but he decided it was perhaps something along the lines of a cold. It was fall, after all. So, Ranmaru took his time, as if the boy were intelligent, he would probably use this golden opportunity to sleep. And when he arrived at the dorm room, placing his palm on the knob to enter through the unlocked door, that's what he expected to see— Tokiya asleep.

A different sight greeted Ranmaru.

The boy sat at the edge of what Ranmaru could only assume was his designated bed, various documents, and sheet music, in his hands. Uncharacteristically, Tokiya's shoulders were in a sort of slump, and his expression showed more than he probably would have had he known that Ranmaru would be stopping by his room. That brief split second before Tokiya would register his senior's presence was all it took for Ranmaru to analyze how his natural flushed pale skin had lost all its color— leaving a nasty ting of grey behind. Faint patches of purple discoloration had marked itself under the crescent of his eyes. He concluded that Tokiya looked utterly exhausted.

Ranmaru knew all too well how that felt.

And he was pissed Tokiya would let himself get like this.

Tokiya sat up straight, clutching the papers in his hand tighter as he finally made a move to speak— even if Ranmaru would not let him finish.  
"Kurosaki-sen—" He began, Ranmaru catching the sharpness of his tone.

"What are you doing? Are you sick or are you not sick? Reiji told me one thing, but it looks to me like you're trying to show somethin' else." Ranmaru snapped in return, having no patience for this situation. "Have you looked in the mirror recently? You look like a huge mess." He finished as he now stood in front of his junior, snatching the papers away from his hands.

Tokiya only sat there in silence— when the truth is revealed a man of pride like he would have nothing to say. Although now, in Ranmaru's presence, did any of the emotion he previously displayed leave his visage. Tired, the only way the man could see Tokiya was feeling anything was by noticing the way his eyes changed—glazed—and finding how the muscles in his jaw tightened just the slighted bit. His pride was hurt.

Ranmaru huffed and set the papers he held in his hands on the bedside table. What am I going to do with him?

Before Ranmaru could even begin to think of a plan of action, Tokiya cut him short. "Kurosaki-senpai, I genuinely appreciate your concern for my well-being. However, I think it is best that I hold my weight myself." He began, picking up the speed in which he spoke upon noticing that Ranmaru was about to protest. "Really. Please. My apologies for worrying you."

With that, Tokiya continued to sit up straight with the expectancy of his senior's departure. However, Ranmaru did not attempt to leave, and they merely stilled for quite a while, directly staring at each other. It was the silent battle of two prideful men when it came down to it. They both did not want to accept the defeat that would come by either admitting their faults or listening to the other's pleas for solitude.

In the end, Ranmaru quietly murmured, "You're still in your clothes." and made his way deeper into Reiji's room. His destination was the drawers, feeling unashamed to look through them to see if he could find Tokiya's drawer. He already knew what was Reiji's and figured out what was Otoya's— each of them held their respective styles, after all. Tokiya, though, instead contrasted both his roommates and so, when he found a drawer with formal clothes he knew there was only one person left out of the trio that would own this kind of attire.

In the next few minutes, Ranmaru found himself by Tokiya's bedside once more with a pajama set in his hands. He tossed them onto the bed, folding his arms over his chest and raising his brow when Tokiya made no move to put them on. "Oi— are you just gonna wear what you have on to sleep? Seriously, I didn't think I'd have to baby you too." He complained, going to relocate the pajama set from the bed directly into Tokiya's hands. However, his words had been enough to cause Tokiya to do something finally, and he stopped Ranmaru before he could finish, again.

This time, there was no exchange of words as Tokiya merely bowed his head and made his way over to the dorm room's shared bathroom. Ranmaru's gaze stuck to the boy until the sight of him disappeared behind the closed door, and he slumped. Jesus fucking Christ, what a headache.

Seriously, all he had to do was make sure the boy was alive, right? He didn't need to do anything more than that.

Right?

Then, thoughts of memories past flashed through Ranmaru's head. The consequences of hard work plagued Ranmaru's history. It was merely something unavoidable to the man at the time, and it continues to be something inevitable. His passion for sleep wherever possible was harbored through the act of overworking— a habit that has become a natural part of his being. It is a short moment of bliss where he did not need to worry about anything, where he didn't need to be responsible for anything, where nothing could hurt him. Sleeping is a comfort.

If sleep is so comforting, why wasn't Tokiya sleeping in a time of vulnerability?

Ranmaru then thought back to the moments where he wasn't sleeping— the anxiety of being unable to complete demanding responsibilities accurately, how it could pierce through hearts so steadfast. The sting of it was paralyzing. The need for perfection, it did not help the situation one bit.  
The fear of hurting and disappointing loved ones by inaccurately completing demanding responsibilities, by not meeting their expectations.  
The lack of fear in hurting yourself through all this.

Ranmaru's gazed were fixed towards the bathroom door.

Ranmaru learned from his past, and Tokiya is still young. He knew about Hayato, but it was all he knew about Tokiya other than the casual conversations he engaged in with other STARISH members. Hayato was incredibly young when he started. Ranmaru closed his eyes. Tokiya needed to learn.

Tokiya needed to learn that nothing would get done this way, by holding no regard to the possibility of harming yourself. Just as the responsibilities Tokiya has are incredibly important— Tokiya himself is just as important to take care of.

Ranmaru's eyes shot open, unaware of how warm his cheeks had gotten. Why?

That is the fourth thing Ranmaru wouldn't admit to for that day.

He was just taking care of his junior as per Reiji's request; there shouldn't be anything more to that.

Ranmaru had been so lost in his thoughts that he barely registered the sound of his phone going off, or Tokiya's attempts to get his attention, and he quickly sought to fix his mistake. Growling upon noticing the caller, he didn't bother with the boy in the room for a second and only answered the call. "What, Reiji?" He asked, his gaze flickering over to Tokiya's moving form. All he did was resume his previous position on the edge of the bed and did not attempt to proceed further. His attention snapped back to the call, Reiji having just checked in to see how he and Tokiya were doing. It was quick, no longer than three minutes before Ranmaru hung up after having reassured that Tokiya was, in fact, still alive.

Then he turned to look at the reason for his entire visit.

Tokiya was poised, far too rigid to relax- Ranmaru sighed in his head at the challenge he needed to power through.

"Are you alright?" Ranmaru began, leaning back in his chair and relaxing his features. "Do you need something?"

Tokiya shook his head and continued to sit. "Like I have stated once before, I am doing just fine. There is no need to worry about me."

Ranmaru couldn't help but scoff, seriously, how Tokiya reminded him of himself.  
"Well, suit yourself—," he began, bringing his arms up to clasp his hands behind his head. "I'm taking a nap."

Tokiya blinked. "Here?"

"Well, I can't have Reiji yelling at me for leaving too early. That'd be annoying as hell... If you need anything... just..." Ranmaru explained, drifting off already by the end of his sentence. He heard some shuffling, though, but it wasn't enough to catch his interest. He figured it was Tokiya doing one thing or another and he continued to fall asleep.

Tokiya had retrieved a blanket with a hesitance on whether he should use it on his senior. He sat at the edge of the bed in contemplation until he remembered the short song he had heard when Ranmaru's phone rang. He had meant to ask about it, but the phone call itself and something other than the phone call had prevented him from doing so. But Ranmaru's eyes were now closed, and he seemed harmless as he was— the song had been loud, noisy, and it only worsened his headache.

But it had also been great.

Sitting up straight once more, he cleared his throat and proceeded to talk. "That ringtone... What song was it?"

Ranmaru was awakened by the question, his heart skipping a beat as he went to open an eye. He looked at him, but quickly closed his eye and tried to think of what he should say. Why he was overthinking such a simple question, he didn't know.

"It doesn't have a title."

"I'm sorry?"

"I said, it doesn't have a title— it's never been finished. I liked what I had, so I used what I could." Ranmaru put quite bluntly, although he was taken aback about why Tokiya might have been so interested in his ringtone. It made him think.

Tokiya resumed his previous silence and glanced down at the blanket in his hand, grimacing slightly as his headache only seemed to worsen. Either way, he decided to have the final say in the conversation— the only honest thing he had said his whole encounter with Ranmaru.

"Well... it's a shame there isn't any more of it to listen to."

The comment made Ranmaru's facial features soften in the slightest, opening his eyes once more to see Tokiya lay back on his bed. The boy shifted to rest on his side with his back facing his senior; the blanket brought up as if to shield his vision from all light. Ranmaru stilled to make sure Tokiya fell asleep, but only noticed how his breathing hitched and how he shifted to find a more comfortable position. He couldn't bear to watch the struggle.

With a huff, the man picked himself up off the chair he sat in and made his way over to the room's window— drawing the curtains closed. Ranmaru moved swiftly and with purpose, turning off the harsh vibrant lights for the warm glow of the lamp at Reiji's desk. He grabbed a rag from the bathroom and ran it under hot water, letting it warm before walking over to Tokiya and sitting on the edge of the bed. "Oí," he spoke softly before gently going to pry the blanket away from Tokiya's face. "Here..."

Tokiya couldn't help but allow himself to lower his defenses a bit in favor of ridding his pain and he complied to Ranmaru's gestures by shifting enough to let his senior softly press the warmed damp rag to his neck. Tokiya's cheeks flushed at how careful Ranmaru was with him, attempting to understand whether he had indeed understood Ranmaru at all. Perhaps the fact he rarely ever interacted with the man only helped to reinforce the stereotype that Ranmaru was rough in his head— that rock was all he was.  
He shouldn't have been one to take a person for their face value.  
Tokiya sighed into Ranmaru's touch without meaning to, merely enjoying the relief that came with relaxed tension. Ranmaru couldn't help but chuckle to himself, a baby indeed.

It was rather strange to see Tokiya so vulnerable, but it wasn't a sad look. He needed to know that.  
"Hey... If you ever need help, don't be stupid and say something, okay?" Ranmaru began, noticing how the warmth of the rag was beginning to leave and grow on Tokiya's skin instead. "Don't let this happen again." He finished scolding, although minded his volume all the same. Tokiya cracker an eye open for a second before letting his vision rest with a hum. He would make sure to think about it. Now, though, Tokiya felt conflicted.

He saw the logic in both situations: the irrational logic behind overworking himself and the apparent sense of allowing himself to rest. It was just that he has seen too many results come out of working himself to the brim— it allowed for him to preserve his position in the ever competitive entertainment industry. But, was it all worth the worry he caused those around him?  
That was something Tokiya couldn't conclude on.

All he worried and cared about was getting his rest now that he was being made to have it, quietly grateful that he had Ranmaru with him. What had once been an intrusive presence to Tokiya grew welcomed, exchanging vulnerability for care. He tried his best to be alright with that. And while the warm rag had helped ease his headache a bit, it still lingered and at the thought brought up a hand to try to rub his head. However, before he could reach his head, Ranmaru beat him to it and brought his hand to ruffle through Tokiya's hair gently. His hand stopped dead in its tracks and instead slowly went to go rest back on the bed. He could feel himself growing sleepy now.

And in that perfect silence Tokiya and Ranmaru seemed to be encased in, the senior idol decided to do one last thing for his junior. He would finish the song on the spot. It would cause the silence to be broken, but this wouldn't hinder the perfection of the moment at all. After thinking back on the melody of his ringtone, it wasn't challenging to continue where he left off— not when he was inspired, after all. He hummed the rest of the melody, heterochromatic eyes gazing down at Tokiya with a new tendered gaze. The fact that Ranmaru was humming for Tokiya at all caught the younger boy off guard.

But it did give him something else to focus on.

Unlike Ranmaru's image or discography, this melody was much kinder and incredibly soft. Tokiya was shocked by how gentle Ranmaru could sound, how domesticated. Tokiya decided then that while he appreciated Ranmaru's vocal talent for how it usually was, he liked this vulnerable side of his senior.

Exchanging vulnerability for vulnerability— they were finally equaled. Tokiya also preferred that much better.

Just like that, with Tokiya's head resting by Ranmaru's lap and the older man's hand in his hair, he listened to the rest of Ranmaru's melody and fell asleep. Ranmaru noticed the drastic change as his breathing slowed, and felt somewhat content with the result. He stayed there a while, just resting along with Tokiya and making sure he was all right, before finally deciding to go back to his room for the night. And as he moved around the room to turn off the remaining lights and go to make his way toward the door, he looked at Tokiya one last time.

Finally, the kid would be able to get some rest, he thought with a half-hearted smile. Ranmaru then quietly left the room and made his way down the hallways to his bedroom. It was all because Reiji asked for a favor, Ranmaru reminded himself as he willed for his heart to beat just a bit slower, nothing more.  
However, what he did for Tokiya, he did it because his will was more than just 'nothing.' It ran deeper. It was intimate.

But that would be the fifth thing Ranmaru Kurosaki wouldn't admit to himself for the day.

* * *

For MikkiMikka


End file.
